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I am going to go ahead and brag because it is very necessary at the moment. God has blessed my life so greatly and I need to vent it somewhere. This whole week has been an uplifting time - hugging family that has been missed - seeing how true and encouraging friends can be - seeing the smile on my brother and his wife's face through their new child - living in this cold weather and yet being comforted by the warmth of a home and plenty of food - playing football with two legs!

With all of this I wonder

What is it about this life that can get me so down? I have no questions about what can lift me up for it is surrounding me in this time.

Strongly I believe now that opportunities are given daily by the Lord.

It is hard for me to walk this life without asking what is to my left and right. I always wonder what this or that situation meant.

There has been a question sticking to the middle of my back for some time. My arms are too short to reach it and my eyes are unable to see it and therefore I have not understood. I think or... I know that this question has made me less sane because without the answer I felt like I was living wrong - living underneath the potential that has been given to me.

The question I have is about the bipolarness of life:
The ups, the down, the lefts and rights

Here is a question to understand the question:
What are the fruits of the spirit and how do they correlate to the life that I know?
It (life) is not peaceful - I am not patience - who anymore is gentle? - is it worth mentioning faithfulness? What percent of marriages end in divorce? What is that percentage among Christians??

Without these simple statements are you not thrown off anyways? Are you not stumbling sideways along this tilted Earth?

I am liar but I hate to lie and even more I hate to lie to myself.
There are questions and I will not settle for the unanswered
Where is the fruit? I do not see many trees.

I have gotten a little off course - but then again that is the point

The other day I drove about 300 miles on what seemed to be a very straight road.
In the midst of that drive I had forgotten that I was driving. I was very tired at this point and I had zoned out into thought. I was no longer watching out for cops, or safely being aware of other drivers. I am not even sure how fast I was going.

Then something clicked
What happened on that road completely explains life

I have spent so much time trying to get on course to "how God wants life to be."
Basically I was trying to make every aspect of my life fit into the fruits of the spirit. And when that didn't happen (which was all the time) I would be thrown off. I go into a tail spin not knowing what is up, what is down or even what my mission was anymore. I remember one question that I have asked myself over and over, "I am trying to follow you Lord and do your will, why is it not working out? Why do I not feel the peace or the patience? And why do I not feel like being so kind right now?"

One answer is because I have been on a mission of my own for some time now. It was originally planned unknowingly but has progressed into quite an evil machine. I have been trying to shape this world to fit into my lifestyle and into my wants (While so many search for food I search for spice).
The hard part is that there is no abort button for this mission. I have lived for myself so long that it has taken me over and wrapped me in chains. (God you are a jealous god and I know you do not want to share my heart - break the chains of my sin and bind me to you).

The other answer is a bit brighter
Like I said before I believe that the Lord gives opportunities around every corner (why wouldn't He? There are only so many corners).
When I was trying to make a check mark next to every fruit of the spirit I was nudging God out of the way. I was not giving Him any opportunity to work in my life. I was taking everything and making it peaceful and good. In those times was when I was the most complacent. I had no desire to work hard, or find out more about life, or even do my homework. Why should I? I'm at peace. It was like being on that road driving straight with nothing to worry about - And falling asleep.

The roller coaster of life is an opportunity - one given by God
When we are on top of the hill we have the opportunity to bless others who are not. We have the opportunity to be humble and confident (not prideful). We have the opportunity to say, "hey thank you Father."
When we are at the bottom it is also an opportunity. It is a chance to hand your life over and say, "God take what is already yours, and make with it what you will."

I would never pay for a ride that did not have its ups and downs. Why was I longing for such a life?